It’s been some time since I’ve written anything on here. Or anything at all for that matter. I guess I haven’t had a whole lot to say. Or maybe I’ve been trying to be better about what I say. Or maybe I’ve just been living life in real life. Or maybe a combination of it all. Who knows. With as honest as I like to be, sometimes even I don’t know what’s happening in my noggin. I’ve been having some reality checks lately about the internet and social media and it’s a weird process for me to sort through in my head.
It’s come to my attention on multiple occasions recently that some things are just not meant for the world to see. That privacy has it’s place. Or… discretion… I guess. And I’ve had to really challenge myself lately. Because you see, I’m the person who has nothing to hide. The person who is learning to be proud of who they are. The person who is attempting to live honestly and boldly. Because I know no other way to live. I’m the person who feels like I’m lying if I’m omitting details. Therefore I feel like it’s my responsibility to be this person to everyone. And what easier way to do that, than to just live my life though an outlet that shares everything with everybody? Well, there’s a lot that go wrong there.
And I’ve realized lately that I don’t think that’s the whole picture. I don’t think that it’s just my desire to be honest with the world. I think it’s partly my desire to share my life with anyone. Let me elaborate on that. The life I have chosen and the steps I’ve taken in it, have simultaneously taken me away from another life and the beings that inhabited that life. My world is filled with beautiful creatures that I can share my daily compassion with, but not necessarily creatures that I can share my joys, my fears, my sadnesses… on a literal level. Ya know, I’m close with more non-human animals than human ones lately. I used to have a group of best friends… and now I mostly feel like I don’t really have anyone most of the time. At least no one to text or call to tell about the intimate details of my day. Definitely no one to hang out with and talk out my feelings. Except my mother. Therefore I feel like putting things online will get people to talk to me, or start conversations I might not think to start, because I have this fear of annoying people. It’s one thing to put something where everyone can see it and let them choose and it’s another to call someone and tell them yourself and force it upon them. And I feel like there’s plenty of people in my world who like to be the first part of that, and not quite that many that want to be the second.
Which makes me sit and reflect on life a little bit. I find my worth in the comments or the likes. Yet, a real personal conversation? Those are long gone. But this is no ones fault but my own. And it’s something I struggle with a lot. I’m not the person that makes an effort to keep people around. I’m not the person who tries hard to make others feel appreciated and loved and cared for. As much of a giver I am for my non-human animal friends, I’ve always been more of the taker in human relationships. “I’m too bored to pay attention, too anxious now to sleep and my chore is keeping contact with people that I meet” I mean, come on, my lyrics are my most open form of communication. I expect someone else to do the work. I hope that they will call. But over time… this way of life isn’t very emotionally sustainable. You realize that you have thousands of people online who are ready to “like” your status or your picture, while also realizing that those people who used to text and call you all the time… those people you used to share these stories and pictures with… they aren’t around anymore. Because you didn’t try hard enough to get them to stay. Why would they?
I feel like so many of us replace real life with this cyberworld and it’s just our generation and we think that it’s normal and we think that it’s ok. But fuck man, it gets lonely. And fuck man, it hurts sometimes. And fuck man, it sucks having to remind myself that my worth is not measured by what the world can see on my social media sites. But what am I supposed to believe, when I’ve pushed the real world away? This has become my world. And it’s not necessarily healthy and I need to find a balance.
And I’m sorry. Sorry to the friends who tried for so long, and got nothing in return. Sorry to the people who have been hurt by my honesty. Sorry to those who found out things in the wrong manner. Just sorry.
I’m not sorry about who I am and the fact that I live my life openly, though. That’s a piece of me that I am very proud of. It’s moreso the routes that I take sometimes? I don’t know if I’m making sense anymore.
Maybe it’s my sickness talking and I’m just overly emotional these days. But I really do want to be better. There’s people in my life, past and present and hopefully future who deserve so much more than I give. I guess it just took me a little time to figure out what went wrong. In the words of Brand New “It’s hard to be the better man, when you forget you’re trying.”
And also in other words from Brand New… “I am on a mend, at least now I can say that I am trying. And I hope you will forget things I still lack.”
It’s the little things, man. This is how I cheer myself up when I feel like poop. Who have I become?!